In the heat of battle
by mirrorballsymphony
Summary: Colon and Nobby meet on the battlefield, and philosophy commences.


The battle surged forwards*.

*This is to say, one side was advancing and another was retreating. Very quickly. As battle tacticians will tell you, this is not the way to go.

Colon was on the side that was retreating. As one, the force had shouted the well known battle chant:

'RUN LIKE THE BLAZES, LADS!'

And so Colon had run. It wasn't easy, he had always been a little on the chubby side, but he tried his best. Yes, he had skipped a few of the army fitness classes, and yes, he often received big, big food parcels from the missus, but he didn't think it would matter.

And now he was running as fast as he could, but the army was running faster.

And the army behind him was running faster as well. He could hear individual voices.

He made himself move faster, until the breath was burning in his lungs and his legs were on fire and he still kept running and then someone was grabbing his arm and pulling him back, back towards the enemy. He tried to swipe the person off, but found him clinging on with a grim resilience.

'Wotcher,' the man said.

Fred span round, still running up the hill. 'Nobby?'

'That's me,' Nobby replied cheerfully. 'Come on, there's someplace we can go.'

'Who said I wanted to go?' Colon asked haughtily, clinging onto some last shreds of patriotism.

Nobby merely grinned, and pulled him to one side. They were running on the outside of the crowd now, and Nobby managed to discretely slip away into a tunnel.

Fred stood up, whacking his head on the narrow roof. 'Ye gods...'

'Come on.' Nobby's voice was already echoing away from him.

Colon followed, completely bemused at meeting a lad he hadn't seen for what, ten years? Maybe more. He knew Nobby was in the army, but he didn't know where...

Come to think of it, he still didn't know where.

'Nobby?'

'Yeah?'

'What regiment you in?'

Nobby considered this. 'Who's winnin'?'

'Well, you are.'

'But what's the regiment that's winnin'?

'Pseudopolis.'

'Then I'm in Pseudopolis,' Nobby said cheerfully.

Colon stared at him. 'You can't do that!'

'Who said?' Nobby shrugged. 'Anyway, I'm in Pseudopolis anyway. For the time being.' He elbowed Fred sharply in the ribs and grinned. 'Hey, if youda won I'd've been in your troop.'

'How?'

'Oh, I'll just nick the uniform,' Nobby replied breezily, and carried on walking. Whilst Colon had to walk bent double, Nobby could stand up easily.

'I thought you weren't allowed in the army?'

'Enemy reaches all the way down. Anyway, I lied about me height.'

'How does that work?'

'Just numbers, ain't it?'

'Didn't even know you could read,' Colon muttered.

'Who said anyfing about me readin'?

They had emerged onto a hill a hundred yards away from the battle. From there, you could see the whole battle ebbing and flowing.

Nobby pointed at it like a connoisseur. 'You see there? That means that them ranks is gonna split off an' try go round the back.' As Colon watched, the group made to break away, but got about ten yards before being slaughtered. Nobby chuckled.

'You do this a lot?' Colon asked cuttingly.

'Yeah, most battles. Ain't no use bein' dead.'

'You could show a bit of patriotism.'

'You're fighting for Quirm,' Nobby pointed out unhelpfully.

'Yeah, but at least I'm fighting for them.'

'Are you?'

'Well, not at the moment.' Fred was getting even more annoyed. 'Anyway, who said you could give me orders. What rank are you?'

'Quartermaster,' Nobby said smugly.

'You! You're a petty thief.'

'Changed professions.'

'Into a weaponry thief?'

'Nah. Boots is my business. No one looks at you suspikiosly.'

'Huh.'

'Suspikiously. Like yer doin' summat wrong.'

Colon nodded. It sounded right.

Nobby leaned back and pulled a dog end out from behind his ear. Then he pulled out a box of matches and struck one on a nearby stone.

Colon just stared at him. Finally, he settled for the least personal question. 'How long you been away from the city?'

'Five years, about.'

'I didn't see you after the Revolution.'

'Stayed layin' low, didn't I? Sconner came outa prison.'

'That young Vimesy tried not to get him released.'

'Did 'e? That's nice.'

'Aye, you shoulda seen the bollocking he got for that.'

'I'll go back and thank 'im one day.'

'You gonna go back? Ain't you seen what's happenin'?

'What? Snapcase?' Nobby sighed. 'Yep. And to think we thought 'e would change things. But I wanna join the Watch.'

'Why?' Colon asked, genuinely baffled.

'Make somethin' of meself. Can't do that in battle.'

'Can't do that in Ankh-Morpork,' Colon said automatically.

'Well, a lad can try.' Nobby seemed unperturbed. He stared out over the battle. 'You ever wonder what the point is?' he asked conversationally.

'Eh?'

Nobby gestured out over the field. 'All of this. The fightin', the stabbin', all of that. What's the point in it?'

Colon was growing uneasy. 'Well, patriotism?'

'What is it?'

'Well, loyalty over your country, I guess,' he said uncertainly.

'But look at you. You're fighting for bloody Quirm! Enjoyin' the avec?'

'There ain't much of it.'

Nobby nodded pensively. 'There's sucha thing as too much Avec.'

Colon nodded. 'You don't get Avec back home.'

'Nah, we're better'n that.'

'Tell you what,' Colon proposed, 'we ever get outa here alive, we'll go back and rejoin the Watch. The missus'll be proud.'

'Will she now?'

'Well, I'll be workin' nights. She can't complain.'

'Seems an alright deal.' Nobby tried to puff on what was left of a poor, bedraggled cigarette. It was starting to rain.

Colon pointed over to the battlefield. 'Shall we go and see who's won?'

Nobby narrowed his eyes. 'Looks like you buggers.'

'How?'

'Wasn't concentrated. Gimme half an hour, I'll have a uniform.'

'I look forward to it.'

'Ah, I won't be there long. You're on a losin' streak, 'part from this one. Better off in the Duke of Eorle's.'

'Where're they?'

'Quirm.'

'But the Quirmian army's...' Colon's eyes widened. 'Oh.'

'Pretty much. You want a drag?'

Colon glared at the drooping dog end. 'Nah, I'm alright.'

'Fair enough.' Nobby stuck it behind his ear. 'Shall we go?'

**Hope I've got these two characters right, they're pretty difficult. Please review :)**


End file.
